October 6, 2019

Fragments

I was laid off in October, and while I had plans not everything went according to them. By January I’d accepted that this might need to be a complete do-over—a long and arduous growth period. So I decided to be open to 2019 as a “break it and remake it” year.

Now that we’re in the last few months of the year, I can see some major fragments I’m dealing with from the initial break from what was my prior reality:

  1. Moving to Austin. The obvious big shakeup was moving from the bay, which I’d honestly been dreaming of doing but wasn’t able to do on my own. There was a lot about California that I tolerated at best, so it was refreshing to be free of that. Additionally, Austin is a cool town with a wonderfully relaxed vibe that wasn’t about to drain me of every penny just to live happily. But even so, it wasn’t (and isn’t) the place I wanted to be. I had an opportunity to move to Toronto collapse in February; only now am I recovered from that enough to say that Austin is both pleasant and not where I want to be.
  2. Working in Austin. So the shakeup had me heading true north and ending up in the south. The job is cool and challenging and international, but it’s also another startup venture that comes with volatility and uncertainty. And let’s make it plain: I blew threw a ton of savings living in California after the last startup, and I have practically no network here. So it feels a lot like I’m operating without a safety net, which is known to have an impact on morale. I’m loyal to a fault, but I need to be smart enough to say that regardless of my loyalty I need another job in my back pocket.
  3. Making something new. Perhaps due to the tenuous stability that is my existence, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of newness coming from this remake. It’d be perfectly fine, I guess, to remake what I already had, but why not use this opportunity to try something new? Perhaps a new skillset or even career path? I’m not sure what I want but it seems like much ado about nothing to end up with minimal shift of the proverbial needle.

I don’t know that I’ll have these three fragments sorted by year’s end, though I don’t know if that matters or if there was ever a timeline set for when “break and remake” would be done. I just wanted to name the things that are floating around me and to use this post to process them more formally.